Big Senile Dog Asplodes

Big Senile Dog in better days

He’s getting up there in age.  Accelerated due to an unfortunate incident several years ago, when he drank the saltwater from the sump of our tank.  With age, comes more illness and accidents, just like people.  Guess what I’ve been doing for the past 18 hours?

They’re still predicting this storm is going to hit New York.  OK, I can be a good mommy and start getting prepared.  Made sure we have plenty of meds, food, distilled water for the tank, gumbo for the beasts dogs, and I figured I’d buy some stuff to make cookies or some kind of treat with Flower Child this weekend.  So, one of the things I bought was a small bag of sugar.  Really, I try to remember to have all food put away if and when I leave the house, I know Big Senile Dog is a counter surfer.  Silly me didn’t think he would decide to go after an unopened bag of sugar.  In plastic, so not even like it was one of the paper bags so he’d smell it easily.  Heh.

You know I came home to find sugar e-ver-y-where. We have pseudo-wood floors, many places where the seams between the boards are a little too big.  Get the picture?  Sweep, wash, sweep, wash. I had to go back out at this point, so I’m sure I’m being clever by giving the dogs an extra walk first.  I’m not that dumb, I know Big Senile Dog will be sick from the sugar he ate.  Ummm hmm.  I’m out with Husband and Flower Child, maybe 45 minutes, come home to find the freaking dog has puked. E-ver-y-where.  To make it perfect, copious amounts of drool were mixed with the puke, and both dogs had walked through the puddles.

O-Ceder - Sponge Mop

O-Ceder – Sponge Mop (Photo credit: Mid-Century Pretty)

Wipe, wipe, wipe. Begin washing again.

Now that this is the third time I’m washing, not only am I cleaning dog drool and puke, but the sugar that had fallen into the cracks of the floorboards is starting to come up, forming a lovely, slippery glaze.

I want to kill the dogs. Not just kill them, but reach my hand down their respective throats and rip their intestines out.  No intestines=no puke, no diarrhea, no problem.  Oh, calm your jets, any lunatic animal activists who might be reading; I said I wanted to do this, not that I did.  I’m a loon who actually cooks for my dogs.

Obviously, the woman in that ad didn’t actually own any pets. Or sugar. Actually, I don’t own a mop. They take up space and smell foul after you use them a few times.  So all this washing the floor was done with a sponge. When I thought it was reasonably clean, I gave up.

All the time I’m wiping and washing, I’m thinking of the bottle of Bailey’s tucked behind the vinegars at the back of the fridge. I deserve a shot, right? Not a perfect Friday Night Madness, but I can make do.  Only now I open the fridge, moving the yogurts, the soy milk, the vinegars.  I’m ready to join Big Senile Dog and start crying, errr, drooling.  Guess what? No Bailey’s.

“Husband, did you drink my Bailey’s?”

“What Bailey’s? We don’t have any.”

Steam is now starting to escape from my shriveled fingertips. “The bottle in the back of the fridge.”

“Oh. I drank that a long time ago.”

“You don’t even like Bailey’s. That’s why I buy it for me.”

“But it was in there for a long time. If you wanted it you should have drank it.”

I’m now entertaining visions of ripping out Husband’s intestines. This is the point where Mrs Fringe’s head asplodes.

Got up this morning, took the dogs for a walk, came back into the apartment to realize the floor didn’t look or smell clean yet. Anyone have stock in Murphy’s Oil Soap? You’re welcome.

Sugar and Spice (Madness song)

Sugar and Spice (Madness song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)