Big Senile Dog Asplodes

Big Senile Dog in better days

He’s getting up there in age.  Accelerated due to an unfortunate incident several years ago, when he drank the saltwater from the sump of our tank.  With age, comes more illness and accidents, just like people.  Guess what I’ve been doing for the past 18 hours?

They’re still predicting this storm is going to hit New York.  OK, I can be a good mommy and start getting prepared.  Made sure we have plenty of meds, food, distilled water for the tank, gumbo for the beasts dogs, and I figured I’d buy some stuff to make cookies or some kind of treat with Flower Child this weekend.  So, one of the things I bought was a small bag of sugar.  Really, I try to remember to have all food put away if and when I leave the house, I know Big Senile Dog is a counter surfer.  Silly me didn’t think he would decide to go after an unopened bag of sugar.  In plastic, so not even like it was one of the paper bags so he’d smell it easily.  Heh.

You know I came home to find sugar e-ver-y-where. We have pseudo-wood floors, many places where the seams between the boards are a little too big.  Get the picture?  Sweep, wash, sweep, wash. I had to go back out at this point, so I’m sure I’m being clever by giving the dogs an extra walk first.  I’m not that dumb, I know Big Senile Dog will be sick from the sugar he ate.  Ummm hmm.  I’m out with Husband and Flower Child, maybe 45 minutes, come home to find the freaking dog has puked. E-ver-y-where.  To make it perfect, copious amounts of drool were mixed with the puke, and both dogs had walked through the puddles.

O-Ceder - Sponge Mop

O-Ceder – Sponge Mop (Photo credit: Mid-Century Pretty)

Wipe, wipe, wipe. Begin washing again.

Now that this is the third time I’m washing, not only am I cleaning dog drool and puke, but the sugar that had fallen into the cracks of the floorboards is starting to come up, forming a lovely, slippery glaze.

I want to kill the dogs. Not just kill them, but reach my hand down their respective throats and rip their intestines out.  No intestines=no puke, no diarrhea, no problem.  Oh, calm your jets, any lunatic animal activists who might be reading; I said I wanted to do this, not that I did.  I’m a loon who actually cooks for my dogs.

Obviously, the woman in that ad didn’t actually own any pets. Or sugar. Actually, I don’t own a mop. They take up space and smell foul after you use them a few times.  So all this washing the floor was done with a sponge. When I thought it was reasonably clean, I gave up.

All the time I’m wiping and washing, I’m thinking of the bottle of Bailey’s tucked behind the vinegars at the back of the fridge. I deserve a shot, right? Not a perfect Friday Night Madness, but I can make do.  Only now I open the fridge, moving the yogurts, the soy milk, the vinegars.  I’m ready to join Big Senile Dog and start crying, errr, drooling.  Guess what? No Bailey’s.

“Husband, did you drink my Bailey’s?”

“What Bailey’s? We don’t have any.”

Steam is now starting to escape from my shriveled fingertips. “The bottle in the back of the fridge.”

“Oh. I drank that a long time ago.”

“You don’t even like Bailey’s. That’s why I buy it for me.”

“But it was in there for a long time. If you wanted it you should have drank it.”

I’m now entertaining visions of ripping out Husband’s intestines. This is the point where Mrs Fringe’s head asplodes.

Got up this morning, took the dogs for a walk, came back into the apartment to realize the floor didn’t look or smell clean yet. Anyone have stock in Murphy’s Oil Soap? You’re welcome.

Sugar and Spice (Madness song)

Sugar and Spice (Madness song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

23 comments

  1. Oh Mrs.F. Please forgive me but I laughed. Not jut a little bit, either. I laughed so much that my kids think I’m kinda nuts.

    Those days come. And are horrendous in the moment. And how DARE husband take that Baileys?? I wish I could bring you a bottle. ❤

    I've gotta say though, the O'Cedar ad reminds me of my mom. That one would predate my childhood a bit but that's the brand mop and broom we always had. And I had to use it a lot. 😀 And it amuses me to think how she'd feel about my being reminded of HER seeing that particular illustration. Ha. You pick great images to accompany your posts, though I'm not sure if I'm grateful or disappointed we are left to our own devices to imagine your thoughts re ripping the dog and then Husband's innards out. 😛

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    1. I’m glad someone got something good out of this 😉

      I went to the store this morning and looked at the mops, still O’Cedar brand–only now they’re $21. I went back to my sponges. 😛

      Now you’re making me wonder if I should have looked for a picture of entrails to post. PETA would rip my blog apart. Hey waitaminute, there’s a way to drive blog traffic up 😀

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      1. Haha!! Love it! Always good to expand your reader base after all. 🙂

        I have the Shark steam mop- the mid priced one- and really like it. It’s got washable/bleachable thick fabric heads (mine came with 6- 4 rectangular and 2 triangular), came with a traditional rectangular head and a triangular one that works good in the bathroom. You have to sweep or vacuum first (just like any mopping) and after there tend to be little bits that require a quick sweep up- cuz it was GROSS stuff that was glued to the floor that was then loosened up. I really like it. No chemicals and no waste.

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  2. This sounds like a scene from a bad movie. Poor thing! I don’t know how you’re still standing. None of us will look at a bag of sugar the same again. Thanks to Senile Dog! He still a super star even if he’s a bit rascally. 🙂

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    1. ROFLOL, a very bad movie indeed! 😀

      I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes, trying to convince myself to get up and wash dishes. I just don’t want to turn the faucet on again 😉

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  3. lol .. oh god.. what a total nightmare. bloody dogs.. bloody husbands and empty bottles of baileys. How dare he? bloody floors and smelly mops bloody fake wood that takes its copy too far with bloody gaps.
    Hugs 🙂

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      1. The baileys one? as I was replying I was really hoping you didn’t send your hubby out for baileys only for him to come back saying. it was 6 dollars more expensive than usual so I didn’t get any…

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        1. That’s the one. Nah, I didn’t send him out for more. If this storm we’re expecting really does turn out to be Frankenstorm, we may have unusual expenses. Ah, the budget, the budget, the blasted budget.

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          1. keep safe and warm, fingers crossed it calms down to a tropical storm or something. passes you a glass. my hubby only found a dodgy supermarket delivery deal and got a bottle as good as free. oh the smugness is almost too much.

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  4. Wow – sugar, puke, and drool – you don’t need a mop – you need a shop vac. Seriously, I have an aging terrier and old pine floors. She does some pretty odd stuff too, she eats the persimmons out of the yard and poops seeds everywhere all winter. Good thing I love her or I’d kill her.

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    1. LOL, You’re absolutely right, a shop vac would be appropriate! Both dogs have been acting nuttier as this hurricane gets closer, I’d like to blame the barometric pressure, but I think he’s just a weirdo. 😛

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  5. what a lovely Friday night 😛 sorry I laugh too. Those crevices are horrible! You may be finding that sugar for months! (years?) You need to invest in those tiny bottles of alcohol for situations like this! Children and animals, so much work but we can’t live with out them(husbands too)

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