Where Have Those Damned Words Gone?

Sunrise over the East River

I’ll say one thing for all of our recent time in the hospital, they have the best damned views in the city. Most of my photos have weird shadows and reflections because of the double paned windows combined with my terrible photo taking skills when using the phone, but hey, I’ve woken up to worse.

Scary hospital stays are scary. How’s that for profound blathering? And when faced with these stays, we are a family that talks around things, jokes about them, because we do. I don’t want to cry any more than when I absolutely can’t hold it in, leaves me with one of those vicious migraines that have teeth and nausea every time, and hospital security gets really testy when you stand in the halls and scream profanities. In the past, I’d tell Husband I appreciated the vacation, but next time let’s pick a better hotel. These last few times, well. This is a fancy shmancy hospital, with tvs larger than the wall our living room tv hangs on. I told him it was the nicest hotel he’d ever taken me to. That was the joke, over and over with each new nurse, each new visitor. Not all that funny the first time, less so every time I said it, but again, wtf else am I going to say?

Words may be my thing, reading and writing them, but I lose them when I most need them just like a cab driver trying to explain in his third language that the crumpled fender of the car in front of his isn’t his fault.

In November I began reading a novel I had long been waiting for, and it’s truly rare for me to buy a book at full price. I wish I could more often to support authors, but my budget is limited and I read a lot. This one, though, I had to. Erin Morgenstern. There are many authors I admire for different strengths, and her strength is incredibly lush sentences I just get lost in. Nevertheless, I stopped reading once Husband was admitted because I just couldn’t relax into those opulent, fantastical dreams on the page. Nothing I can imagine myself writing.

Because my words are wrong, too raw. Too many shadows and distorted reflections that gauge their way out of my mouth with teeth and claws.

This morning I finished the novel. It didn’t inspire me to write anything beautiful, say anything beautiful, but I did bake an apple pie with all the cinnamon my heart desires, on top of a puff pastry crust with a layer of cheesecake in between, as close as I get to lush. Five minutes ago–as I was writing this–Husband’s doctor called, we’re looking at another inpatient stay next week.

12 comments

  1. Another one? Oh no.

    I’m so sorry this has been your lot of late: distorted river views and scary hospital stays, splitting migraines and endless doctor visits, a perpetual reshashing of tired jokes . . . heck, you know all this already.

    Somebody told me, quite recently in fact, that sometimes a good cry is just what we need. But maybe not. Sometimes, maybe, a delicious piece of home-made pie affords us that blessed release/relief/little slice of heaven–whatever you want to call it; whatever you need it to be, I’m glad you did that for yourself.

    As for your words–raw, yes, and understandably so. But not wrong. Never wrong, mrs fringe.

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  2. You baked that pie, though, and you made the puff pastry, and those are two major achievements, if you ask me.

    When our lives become so small because we are living around a loved one’s medical crises–it’s all we can do sometimes to just put on daytime clothes.

    Beautiful post. All love to you, Mrs. Fringe.

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    1. Truth, re just putting on clothes. Lately I’ve been dreaming of a month where I don’t get out of pjs.

      Thanks much, for the kind words, the love–and for coming to visit over here in Fringeland! ❤

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  3. So sorry about your hospital visits, and your husband’s upcoming inpatient stay. I hope things go as well and smoothly as possible! Even if you “don’t mind” hospitals, it doesn’t mean they’re great and comfortable places to hang out.

    that pie does sound amazing; I’m particularly fond of apple pie that has been lavishly cinnamoned.

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    1. I would happily give you a slice if you were within range, Jen. Thank you for the good thoughts. The reality is, hospital stays suck–even when you’re watching impeachment hearings on a life sized tv.

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    1. Completely agree about the opening of The Night Circus. The Starless Sea is her latest, just delicious. Interesting bit is that I don’t play/am not familiar with video games, and suspect I would have appreciated it that much more if I did.

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