Empty Words

Leave the page blank long enough and it starts looking clean rather than empty.

Leave the page blank long enough and it starts looking clean rather than empty.

Have you ever wished Mrs Fringe would stop whining and shut the fuck up? Today is your day. I am taking a break. At the moment, I’m not sure how long, maybe I’ll change my mind tomorrow, next week, next year (so go ahead and stay subscribed for a while), I don’t know.

Words and writing have always been such an integral part of who I am, I’m honestly not sure who I am without them.  But as I’ve always said, I write to be read, I write to be half of a dialogue–spoken or not.  About a year ago I came to the conclusion that my fiction isn’t going anywhere.  That was a very difficult, painful conclusion.  I made self deprecating jokes and gave myself lectures.  Ok, you suck– big deal, so do most people.  Welcome to the ranks.  Sure I have occasional bouts of the dreaded hope, and send out some queries or write a story, but that faith that it will happen?  Not so much. I don’t have writer’s block, if you’re wondering–I’ve got plenty of ideas and notes and internal discipline; if someone offered me a contract tomorrow I’d be back to work within an hour. I have always written the stories and characters that I love, that I would want to find in the bookstore. But I don’t write for myself, I write hoping to offer others what I love to read, that sense of Yes. This author gets it, and has given voice to my thoughts, breathed life into characters I want to spend hours with. Many (most?) fiction writers disagree, and believe you should write for yourself.  Perhaps they’re right, but it hasn’t worked for me.

I kept blogging because it’s different than writing fiction, offers something else without pesky hopes, dreams, or expectations. I have tried to use humor (often gallows humor, but still) to address real and sometimes frightening issues.  Mostly I kept blogging for the same reason I started, a space to be a whole person, more than any one label or role I fill in the “real” world, to connect and have conversations with others, listening and being listened to. Now I am depleted. At this moment I see no point in blogging about writing if I’m not writing, no point in blogging about being a woman standing up for other women and women’s rights when my country has made it clear it isn’t interested in women’s rights and safety, no point in blogging about democracy when my country has voted for a demagogue, no point in blogging about the struggles facing people of color when the country has aligned itself with the KKK, no point in laying out the struggles of dealing with chronic illnesses in loved ones when the majority, including some who have cried with me, has just made it clear that ultimately, they don’t care and don’t want to hear it.

I know that many who are better, smarter, more evolved and generous souls than I am are sending out messages of hope, reassurances of caring, safety, and continued efforts.  Very lovely, and necessary.  Right now, I can’t do it, and frankly, I think it was the assumption that in the end people will put shared humanity above differences that has led us to where we are right now.

Many of my regular readers and commenters are not American, which has been an amazing, beautiful thing; WordPress is a fabulous platform, allowing me to feel that I have connected with others outside of my immediate, narrow margins. That said, I am American, and the American people have spoken–I am to pick a label and that is the sum of who I am. How boring. Hell, it makes me yawn just to think about it, who wants to log on and read a label?

20 comments

  1. But, the world is bigger than America. Crap result, but, fuerza, we need to keep going. Whether for women, blacks, hispanics, latinos, native americans, homosexuals, peopke with disabilities, every minority group under the sun. Come back when you are ready.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I feel flat. Depleted. This is not me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I hope the the coming months will fill me with the resolve that will be necessary to continue the battle, and lead us to a strong showing in the mid-terms. We need hope. I just have none to offer right now.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have so enjoyed reading your blog from here in the UK and will miss your posts. I have no words of comfort for you and can only reiterate what roughseasinthemed said – you are not alone, and in that surely, lies strength.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Mrs G. The messages of support and validation mean a tremendous amount to me, and I truly appreciate it. Right now I feel I’ve got nothing, but if this 40,000 + year old woman knows anything, it’s that I can never keep quiet indefinitely. ❤

      Like

  4. Your posts made me hopeful about things – I was kind of hoping you’d keep the lamp shining for us. How about you take the week off, and then hurry back? FWIW most of my facebook posts lately end with: “I’m probably not going to say any more about this”.

    Don’t go away. I’ve bought a cushion cover for you from MadFuckingWitches. Where would I send it if you weren’t here? *sob*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll admit, I’m likely to love anything coming from a company named MadFuckingWitches. You do know how to tempt me 😉 I’m taking some time, I need to for perspective, if I ever hope to be productive again. That said, you know how very unlikely it is that I’ll be able to stay quiet forever. And thank you ❤

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  5. Okay, Mrs Fringe. I know. I get it.

    But dang, woman.

    That’s me being all selfish, wanting to be able to count on you to say what I’m thinking so much more eloquently than I can do it, wanting you to push me a little bit. Educate me, Share your experiences. Give me art and a chuckle and a cry.

    And a voice when I can’t find mine.

    Like I told you earlier, I’m trying to find my own balance. I think a lot of people are teetering right now. Whatever *you* need to do to get yourself right again–as right as you can be, considering–do that. And I’ll give you my blessing, not that you need it, but I miss you already, Mrs Fringe.

    Liked by 1 person

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