Ch ch ch ch

…gonna have to be a different man.

English: David Bowie in the early 1970s

English: David Bowie in the early 1970s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or a different woman, as the case may be. Continuing to think about my scheduling challenges, and how so much of that blasted to-do list is bullshit. Yeah, yeah the laundry has to be done. But for the love of God, I need…something. A change that’s more than a new coif–though I could use that, too.

A friend advised me to focus in on a specific goal. Logical. But what? And where is the line between reality and excuses? I love the idea, the fantasy, of reinventing myself.  But it feels squishy, new age-y.  Not to mention suspiciously like the 21st century equivalent of a middle aged man buying a convertible. Impractical. Yes, circumstances have changed. Man Child and Nerd Child each have a foot out the door. Husband has an AARP card. But the nest isn’t empty and isn’t likely to be. I don’t have degrees or the freedom to commit set hours each week to an entry level job.

And the ghosts of old choices, born of circumstance and poor judgement.

Der Poltergeist

Der Poltergeist (Photo credit: Lab604)

More than ghosts, they’re poltergeists. I think, I ramble, I do laundry, I time seizures, I write, I walk dogs. I excel at navel gazing. Which of these are likely to be capitalized upon? That’s what I thought.

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon; I wasn’t raised in a war torn and poverty filled hovel where I never saw anything different. Somehow, along with too many others of my generation, I’ve been caught in a spiral of downward mobility. I don’t want to be stuck. I don’t want to be desperate. I also don’t want to be hungry.  But right now, I am. Starving for something.

I know how to get by, stretch a budget, do what needs to be done. What I don’t know is how to make major changes, how to truly divert my trajectory while still taking care of my current and forever responsibilities, the human beings in my little fringe world that give my life value. Because while I want to feel there is a “me,” it isn’t all about me, and I don’t want it to be. How lonely, how boring, how bitter.

I’m sitting on my little terrace right now, looking at the herbs and flowers I planted with Flower Child back in May. And I’m wondering, worrying. If I figure out a focus, replant myself; will my roots take hold in new soil? Or are they already too brittle; like the first basil plant we tried, attacked by the pigeons before it could adjust.

Dead Basil

Dead Basil (Photo credit: olaeinang)

 

 

15 comments

  1. Powerful stuff, and is so reflective of what I feel a lot of times. I could have gotten my degree in Accounting, and had *almost* finished my first year, for a certificate, but stopped. I got intimidated, felt stupid, didn’t have the guts to press on, and now regret it horribly. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the opportunity to finish that degree, but I’d like to try. So much depends on what happens with The Dork Lord.;)

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    1. While it’s always good to know I’m not alone, I’m truly sorry you (and so many others) can relate to this topic.

      Honestly, given a choice, I wouldn’t want to go back to school. I hated it the first time (good grades, but a terrible student, kwim?), and can’t see myself having any more patience for a classroom at this point in my life.

      Yes, it all depends on others, while others depend upon us. Sigh.

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  2. I’m sure you’ve considered this, but what if you were able to use some of the skills and knowledge you’ve learned through timing seizures to support other moms who are going through the same thing? Like leading a support group?
    Also, your link works now.

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    1. Hi Kendall, thanks for stopping by and joining the discussion. 🙂 There is strong online support available for moms who have children with epilepsy, truly a wonderful community that has been and continues to be one of the best parts of my world. The EFA (Epilepsy Foundation of America) closed the NY office several years ago, as far as I know, it hasn’t reopened. I would also like to find something that would be (or could become) an opportunity to earn the ever elusive dollar. 😉

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    2. Hi Kendall, thanks for stopping by and joining the discussion. 🙂 There is strong online support available for moms who have children with epilepsy, truly a wonderful community that has been and continues to be one of the best parts of my world. The EFA (Epilepsy Foundation of America) closed the NY office several years ago, as far as I know, it hasn’t reopened. I would also like to find something that would be (or could become) an opportunity to earn the ever elusive dollar. 😉

      **And thank you!! for fixing the link. 🙂

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  4. Heavy thoughts. Easy to say “It’s never too late” and as real as that sounds it also seems a ghost like balloon who’s string you can never quite grasp. Try to focus on all you achieve each and every day- because not all can do what you do. For all you deal with daily, you still have that desire. Let that fuel your tank as you move forward.

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  5. Wow. An intense posting that inspired an intense response in me. Unfortunately, my sick brain is feeling too muddled to clearly put my response into words here. Lots of food for thought though.

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  6. Thank you for visiting my site and for your kind words. It gave me the chance to visit your site — and once I saw Bowie, I had to read on. Now I understand why my 9/11 post touched you. No matter what, you are a survivor — like the tree at the Memorial. And although you are under stress and dealing with life, you are far from brittle. Just believe that.

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